Lost

Being at home all the time is a very busy phase in my life but can also be lonely and allow my mind PLENTY of time to think. Because of this... I often drift off to memories of my mom. Sometimes, as I'm rocking Acadia lately... I can picture my mom doing the same with me. As I lose my bearings in the day due to stress and a messy house, I think of my mom. Certain smells, sounds, memories come to my mind and it takes my breath away.  I know how fortunate I was to have her in my life for 29 years but it never seems like enough, does it? It's amazing that after a year and a few months, my mind sometimes plays tricks on me and I think that she is still alive and well. I look down at my phone and expect a text from her, a missed call, a voicemail, or even a "like" and/or comment on facebook. The painful reality swoops in to smash those thoughts and it aches all over again.  Being 1,000 miles away from family can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing in the sense that I can almost pretend that none of this happened a year ago because I am not there to witness the emptiness every day. But a curse for the same reasons.  I just break down in tears in the least expected moments. Like when my kids do something especially cute, funny, or ornery. She always loved to hear those stories. Of course these kids could do no wrong in her eyes.  

 I looked down at sweet Acadia's eyes yesterday and told her that Nana would have loved her so much. And I meant it 100%.  She would have just been delighted at all the little smiles and giggles just as she was with the other two.  Every time she does something new, I reach for my phone to text and call her until I realize again that she's gone.  Vera talks about her frequently still and I'm so glad that one of my kids will always have those memories. I love when she asks me questions about her and lets me share my memories as well.  

 Acadia and I have been under the weather for the last few days and I miss the way my mom would take care of me when I was sick. Even once I moved away, she always checked in by phone when one of us was sick and give her advice and motherly orders. I miss that.

 I will never regret making her take so many photos with me and my children. Those photos are so precious to me and all that I have. Sometimes I picture what she'd say in the moment and hear her voice. It's so soothing but heartbreaking at the same time. When I do something silly like spill my tea and popcorn all over the living room, I can hear her laugh.  This life is so short and it never seems like enough time. I know people say this a lot but, please don't take your loved ones for granted. Forgive, move on, love, hug, laugh. Call your mom today, if she's still around, and tell her how much she means to you.  I will never forget all the cheesy letters and texts I sent her and hope my kids do the same some day.

 These thoughts are a bit short and incomplete for the day but I had just one moment to write it while the baby is content... and writing it out makes me feel better.

 Thank you for letting me share. I'm sure this will come up many, many times in the future. So many things I never understood about my mom until now. Unfortunate but truthful. This motherhood thing can be so perplexing.


Happy Saturday, ya'll

 Vicki H.


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